I Hate Myself
I hate myself is something many of us will never admit but feel on a daily basis. We live with discontentment within ourselves and who we are. We scroll on social media to live through the lives of others while temporarily escaping from ourselves. Then, we are subconsciously reminded of our pain once the screen goes dark, and we are, once again, forced to look in the mirror.
Self-hate shows up in many forms. It shows up when we compare ourselves to others or when we lash out at our children. It shows up in how we date or choose our friends. It shows up in how we eat or treat our bodies. It even shows up in our speech because, for whatever reason, we “Just cannot stand her or him.”
Self-hate often projects itself onto people. It influences you to make subtle comments about yourself or others: “She thinks she’s all that.” “He’s a lame.” “He’s a simp.” “I wish I was a little lighter or a little thinner.” “I don’t deserve nice things.” “I sometimes wish I was someone else.”
Unfortunately, thoughts and ideas like the ones mentioned above went from being just thoughts to beliefs. We then went on to build our lives around these beliefs, living a life of internal chaos, the opposite of what God created for us.
If you can relate, you are not alone. The good thing about having this realization is recognizing that self-hate has something in common with its opposition, self-love. They are both taught. If you learned to hate yourself, you can now take steps to learn how to love yourself. It will take time, and you will have to process a lot of pain as you unlearn the hate you have been repeatedly fed, but it will be worth it in the end. The love you will gain for yourself, along with the love God has for you, will protect you from unhealthy relationships, comfort you when you make mistakes, push you to excel to meet your greatest potential, guide you to make healthy decisions, and more.
For many, self-love is the beginning of learning God’s love, but it is first essential to understand why and how the enemy uses the self-hate within you to build his kingdom.
The Greatest Commandments
One of the greatest lessons Jesus taught in the Bible is Matthew 22:36-40. It reads,
36 “Teacher [Jesus], which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
What Jesus was conveying is out of all commandments given in the Bible, loving God and your neighbor as yourself are the greatest because they single-handedly capture God’s will and purpose for us. If there were ever a thesis in the Bible, Matthew 22:36-40 would be it.
In Galatians, Paul later gives us more revelation about the second greatest command. He says,
14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 5:14 NKJV
What does this tell us? Well, for one, it tells us that God’s law is complete by keeping one command: love yourself as you love your neighbor. This one command embodies all commandments ever given, including the first greatest commandment: love God with all your heart.
What does this say about God’s vision and will for us? It has always been on God’s heart for you and me to love ourselves and each other. You cannot love your neighbor as yourself without first loving yourself. It also tells us if we follow this one rule, we are actively loving God in the process because Jesus also said,
If you love Me, keep my commands.
John 14:23 NKJV
So, in short:
- If we are loving God, we are loving ourselves and others.
- If we are loving ourselves, we are loving others and God.
- If we are loving others, we are loving God and ourselves.
We are all connected. God desires all three entities (Himself, you, and others) to love each other harmoniously. This sounds like a beautiful plan, but do you know who is also aware of this plan? Your enemy, Lucifer.
Think As Your Enemy
One of the most strategic tactics to overcome your enemy is to get to know him so you can think like him. What do we know about the devil?
Pride
Well, for starters, Satan is very prideful. The Book of Isaiah gives us a glimpse of his character.
12 How you have fallen from heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations! 13 You said in your heart, “I will ascend to the heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of Mount Zaphon. 14 I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” 15 But you are brought down to the realm of the dead, to the depths of the pit.
Isaiah 14:12-15 NIV
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall (Proverbs 16:18). Too much pride can lead to arrogance, stubbornness, and more.
The enemy knows his time is short (Revelation 12:12), but he is arrogant enough to put up a fight. His main objective is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) and wage war against God’s people (Revelation 12:17). Therefore, because of his pride, the enemy believes he can still have some victory over the Lord by turning His children against Him. It is also possible he may still think he can “raise his throne above the stars of God” and “make himself like the Most High.”
What else do we know about Lucifer?
Note: Although Satan’s pride has caused him to become delusional, it is essential to know that God uses his arrogance for our good.
Limited but Powerful
It is crucial to know that although Lucifer’s information is limited, he does know things about us and our future. For example, as mentioned, he knows his ending is approaching. Prophecies have been made throughout biblical history. Once prophecies become known, he has access to that information. Prophets such as Isaiah, Elijah, Jeremiah, and Daniel have had visions of Jesus and the end times. Lucifer knew Jesus’ birth would bring him that much closer to his end, so he did everything he could to sabotage God’s plan, including trying to kill Baby Jesus (Revelation 12:13). He also tried to get Jesus to turn against God (Matthew 4:1-11) just as he tricked Eve (Genesis 3:1-7).
With that being said, and keeping how prideful Lucifer is in mind, we have to recognize he will continue to make powerful attempts to beat God by strategically using the information he has access to to turn us against God.
It is crucial for you to realize God’s plan is still unraveling. Although the Bible is complete, we are still part of God’s story. Think of your life as a chapter in God’s book. What prophecies have been made about you? What part of the enemy’s downfall were you assigned to participate in? Although you may not know, I bet the enemy does.
While many of us move daily, thinking our lives are random, useless, or without meaning, we all have a role in God’s story, and the enemy knows this.
If I were God’s opposer and knew you were part of my final destination, one of the first things I would do is get you to turn against yourself. I would plant a seed of self-hate in your heart or your parents’ hearts because once you hate yourself, you will do the rest of the work of turning against God and others, resulting in you failing to keep the two greatest commandments. So what does this look like?
The enemy can plant a seed of self-hate in many ways. He can influence people to cause division, such as racism, sexism, classism, etc. These seeds will then begin to trickle down into our homes. For example, as mentioned, our parents, unfortunately, can bear self-hate that was passed down to them through one of the avenues discussed above. They may have been taught their skin color, gender, and financial status classify them as unworthy or unloved by God.
Once the seed of self-hate takes root in their hearts, the corrupt ideas they have about themselves, their identities, the world, God, etc., will become false ideologies they will pass down to their children. If their children adopt their ideas, the seed of self-hate will then take root in their hearts, forming more false beliefs.
Remember what was said about false beliefs: once we have them, we will build our lives around them. For example, God says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, but if we believe what society says (we are fearfully and wonderfully made if we have a specific skin complexion, make a certain amount of money, and have been born a particular gender), we will limit ourselves to what society says we can have. We will not go after the life God said we can have because we have allowed society to determine what is possible for us.
This unfortunate notion will continue until someone in the lineage decides to do the work to adopt God’s beliefs. We must realize the seed planted in our parents’ hearts was not just for them. It was a seed for you, and if you bear the seed of self-hate, that seed is not just for you but for your children and their children, and so on.
Remember, although the enemy is delusional, he is very, very crafty. Once his seed takes root, he already has a system in place for the seed to manifest and be affirmed in multiple ways. But what does this look like? Let’s learn by reading a short story of a girl named Eboni.
Eboni
Before Eboni was born, God knew her and had beautiful plans for her (Jeremiah 1:5). She was to be set apart to build God’s kingdom with her husband and their children. God gave her and her husband the task of starting a ministry that would reconcile many of His people’s hearts, leading them to repent and return to Him. He also planned for their children to be great among many and be even more successful.
Her enemy, Lucifer, knew some details about her and her legacy. His information was limited, but it was enough for him to begin devising a plan to destroy her. He looked for an entryway to plant seeds of self-hate that would lead her to destruction, and he found a previous pathway he had devised through her parents.
Lucifer had already caused havoc in Eboni’s parents’ lives. Her father felt impotent, and her mother was extremely insecure. As their relationship progressed, they began to hate each other because they never sought help to heal from their pain. As a result, the enemy influenced Eboni’s parents to separate due to pride, infidelity, and insecurities.
Eboni is now raised in a single-parent household, but she is as lively as she can be. She is not fully aware of the havoc between her parents, but she loves drawing, playing games, singing songs, helping people, and dreaming.
She often dreams of the things God planned for her, but she is not aware those dreams are from God. Eboni has the ingredients of an innocent child, and Lucifer sought ways to take her liveliness to dim her light. He knew that if she grew up and became who God called her to be, her ministry would be a blow to his kingdom.
As Eboni grows up, she keeps her dreams in mind. She also has a natural love for herself given by God, but that love is quickly snatched by her mother’s words and actions. Eboni’s mom insinuates her beautiful complexion is not favorable to many. Her mom doesn’t mean any harm. She is only regurgitating the demonic lies that were taught to her. This false revelation hurts Eboni and doesn’t feel authentic, but her mom is all she knows, and she trusts her opinion over her own. Despite the beautiful things others have said about her, she adopts her mother’s beliefs even though they go against what she feels inside.
Lucifer looks on eagerly as his plan begins to manifest. Now that his false belief has taken root in Eboni’s heart, he must now continue to build a system that will affirm the belief before it can be uprooted. One way he achieves this goal is by using Eboni’s classmates. They pick on her, causing her to feel small. He also uses the media. Eboni watches TV only to see girls who look opposite of her are chosen to be stars. Her friends, teachers, and other family members speak life into her by telling her she is beautiful, intelligent, and worthy, but unfortunately, her mother’s words, daddy’s absence, and the things she has seen on TV overshadow their efforts.
Everything seems to confirm the false belief Eboni has learned. Every experience she has only adds to the false identity she has adopted, but this does not change the dreams that were planted in her heart long ago. She desires to help people, get married, and have children one day, but unbeknownst to her, the enemy has been strategically sabotaging her dream because he knows it will lead to his downfall.
Now, Eboni is older and interested in marriage, but the enemy reminds her of the false beliefs she adopted from her parents. He also reminds her that her parents’ marriage did not last, so why even try? But she desperately desires to be loved, so the enemy sends her a man who only confirms her insecurities.
Her friends God has given her warns her about the man who has taken interest in her. They can see beyond what Eboni can see. They tell her she deserves better in many ways and that the man is not suitable for her. Unfortunately, he also has seeds of self-hate within him that are attracted to what is inside Eboni. Unbeknownst to them both, the enemy has devised a plan to steal, kill, and destroy their identities. The man eventually continues to fall victim to the enemy’s scheme. He cheats on Eboni and leaves her for another girl who does not look like her. She is devastated, and her insecurities are, once again, confirmed.
Eboni wonders why she continues to meet men like her ex. Why is her life so bad? What did she do wrong? Her self-hate has now taken form in other relationships. She is envious of those who she deems as more beautiful than her. She hates her dreams and lives in misery. But because her God-given dream still lives inside her, she looks for ways to settle and build a happy life out of her own strength. She uses many things, such as her career, volunteer work, school, and more, as a distraction from the pain and hate she now has for herself, others, and God because why would God create her this way? Why didn’t He make things easier for her and designed her to be beautiful like others? Unbeknownst to her, she has been gorgeous this whole time. The enemy only devised a plan to steal, kill, and destroy her identity so she would be so engulfed in pain and misery that she would no longer go after the dreams God placed in her heart. He knew her dream and her children’s legacy would lead to his destruction, so he planted a seed of self-hate in hopes it would be strong enough to make her hate men and have a “spiritual abortion.” After all, if she never has her children and builds her ministry, he has nothing to worry about.
Now, Eboni lives with unforgiveness towards her parents and exes. She hates herself and her life, and she is angry with God and unable to keep the two greatest commands: Love God, yourself, and others.
But God, being Who He is, gives sight to those willing to see. He gives them gifts, such as writing, to spread the news of Jesus while unveiling the enemy’s plans. Sometimes, He uses them to write stories like the one written above to show His people how the enemy schemes, but it is up to them, it is up to you, to believe.
Like Eboni, we all have to make a decision. We must decide to believe God or believe the devil. We must decide whether to serve God by laying our pain at the altar of His grace or continue serving the enemy by exalting our insecurities, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc., above what God says.
Both decisions are hard to make but will lead us to different ends. On one hand, we can continue to live the painful life of unforgiveness, bitterness, pride, and anger. Many of us know this lifestyle very well and have seen its fruits, which only leads to misery.
On the other hand, we can take steps towards believing what God has said. Everything we need to believe is already inside us, but we must challenge ourselves to uncover our God-given tools the enemy worked hard to cover with pain.
Our stories may not be precisely like Eboni’s, but the Holy Spirit will reveal the similarities if we allow Him to. The Bible says, “Many are called, but few are chosen” (Matthew 22:14). God is not in heaven holding a contest to decide who He will choose. He calls us to lay down our unforgiveness, bitterness, brokenness, anger, pride, and pain, but many of us refuse to answer the call, which is why we are not chosen. We are not chosen to start the ministry. We are not chosen to live in abundance. We are not chosen to birth the God-given children with the spouse He promised us. Unfortunately, many of us will choose to die in the wilderness of unbelief just as the Israelites did (Numbers 14:26-32). We will choose to ignore all the signs and wonders God has presented to us through the friendships, relationships, and people He has placed in front of us or words He has influenced His people to compose, such as what you are reading.
Now, we know what some of you may be thinking or feeling. You may feel convicted, and that conviction may cause you to have anger towards yourself. You likely feel foolish for believing the enemy’s lies, but as mentioned, he is very, very crafty. He has had more than centuries of time to perfect his evil ways. You must forgive yourself with love, compassion, and understanding. See yourself as the child you are who did not know any better. Forgiveness is essential and one of the first ways of accepting your identity in Christ. The enemy will fight you and do everything to make you believe God does not forgive you or you are not worthy of forgiveness. Remember, Lucifer is prideful. Every step you take towards the truth hurts his pride. You must be vigilant and allow the Spirit to guide you as He reveals more of the enemy’s tricks.
God loves us and wants us to make a decision. Will you let down your guard long enough to allow Him to heal you from all brokenness? Will you allow Him to remove the unforgiveness in your heart?
Choose today whom you will serve. Will you answer the call? We pray that you will and are here to support you.
If you enjoyed reading our story about Eboni, subscribe to our mailing list below, as we will continue to create and share realistic and practical stories to help you understand God, Lucifer, the Bible, and other principles. You can also check out our workbook on self-forgiveness, where you will gain insight and step-by-step tools to help you forgive yourself. Don’t just be a hearer of the word. Be a doer. You are worthy of forgiveness. Allow God to direct you.
We love you. May God continue to be with you.
